Seven, Eight set the Date...

Cowboy Cam & Sailor Kate on Halloween 2010

7.     Cam and I stayed in an open relationship for a long time.  I knew that he had always been off and on again with Linda and that in their two years of dating there was only a month or two where they were actually official.  I don't know why I thought things with me would be any different. All I knew was that pestering him or wanting to always have a DTR (Define the Relationship) only hindered whatever it was we had. So during our run at a second shot at things I decided I would not ask him about where things were going with us - if anywhere.

     One day in November the weekend that the final Harry Potter movie came to theaters part-one I told Cam I wanted to see it.  I told him I was so excited to go see it and that I saw via Facebook that  his roommate T and his friend Juan had gone to the midnight showing and loved it.  Cam was like "yeah, we could maybe go see it." 
      That Saturday Cam and I were texting and trying to make plans for the day.  I suggested we go see Harry Potter and to try for a matinee.  Cam text me back and said "What if I told you I already saw it?" I text him back and said, "What? When?"  He said he'd seen it opening night at the midnight showing.
     Frustrated that he hadn't just told me when I had originally said I wanted to go - my mind though "He didn't tell you because he was on a date with another girl!" Sometimes as a girl, emotions cause one to become slightly irrational and you sometimes do stupid things.  For example, I text Cam back and said " So you didn't tell me because what you took another girl to it?!"(I was going to go see it again with you)
     I shouldn't have gotten frustrated - even if he had taken another girl.  I knew what I had agreed to - a non-exclusive relationship.  He was free to date and I had no right to be mad and I certainly had no right to ask him if he had taken another girl, because I too was free to date and do as I pleased.
     Cam text me back and told me he hadn't taken another girl.  He had gone with Juan and T.  He informed me that I would have known that had I Facebook "stalked" him and not his friends!
    I told him that I was sorry that I didn't know, and that he never posted things on FB and the only reason I had seen that his friends had gone was because it popped up on my News-Feed!  I told him that if he had seen it opening night with his friends that he just have just told me when I mentioned it in the first place.  He explained that I had been so excited about it and wanted to see it that he didn't want to let me down.

Cam doesn't love Halloween but he dressed up and came to Jane's where we threw a party!  (I spent like 5 minutes staring at this but everyone can just move on.)

    We came to terms on the stupid argument but I still felt so upset.  I guess I had just had all this small stuff build up and now I couldn't hold it all in.  A lot of it had to do with the fact that our "relationship" or whatever you wanted to call it, was at a stand still.  There was no progress and relationships need to grow and progress. (Spending time with each other and getting to know each other was progress)

    I talked to my sister about all these pent up feeling I had and she suggested that I tell him I needed a little break - to clear my head.  She told me that I didn't need to make it about him, that I could just tell him I'd been really stressed with work and just wasn't feeling myself lately.
    So I did, I told him that I'd still keep in touch through text but it wouldn't be all the time and that again it was not him.  All of this was true - it wasn't him.  He'd always been honest with me and I had to be a complete idiot to not have known that he had commitment issues.
      The problem was me.  I wasn't taking care of myself and wasn't concerned with my own wants and needs in the "relationship".  In a past relationship I had had, I had done the same thing. I had let the relationship be my everything.  I would eat, breathe, and sleep the relationship.  I didn't really have friends or hobbies or anything that was not somehow connected to my boyfriend at the time.
     In that past relationship I had done everything I could to mold myself into the "perfect" girlfriend for that boyfriend.  It isn't something I am proud of and I certainly do NOT recommend anyone ever change themselves or sacrifice their happiness solely for someone else. It was incredibly unhealthy and I certainly suffered the consequences of it after we broke up.  I had completely lost myself in that relationship, so much so that when it ended I didn't know where I, as an individual started and ended.  I knew that if I had done that once, I was certainly capable of doing that again and if I didn't step back and re-evaluate what I wanted and needed, I was going to sacrifice my own true happiness.
      Cam was really understanding - in fact the whole thing seemed to take him by surprise.  When I expressed my need for a break he said "Okay... I thought everything was going good between us."
     Over the weekend I kept thinking things over and what was going to be best for me.  I was pretty sure that I was going to need to end things entirely with Cam.  I was tired of not being able to progress.  I had been nearly six month since we had first met and started dating and we still were not exclusive.  If Cam still hadn't wanted to be exclusive chances were he was never going to want to.  I didn't want to keep wasting my time and so I figured things needed to end.  I knew it was going to be really hard for me because I really liked Cam - so I decided that I would think about it for a few more days and make sure that was really what I needed to do.
     That following Monday Cam Text me and asked if we could talk.  I told him we could that I'd text or call him on my lunch break.  Because of our schedules we ended up texting.  Which in this case ended up being good, through text I was able to truly think things through before I said them.  Cam wanted to know what I was thinking and why I felt like I needed space.  He also wanted to know why if it wasn't about him then why did I need space from him.  So I began to explain everything to him.
     I told him things that had been bothering me.  I told him that I had been okay being non-exclusive at first and that I understood we didn't need to rush anything.  I told him that I was beginning to see that things were most likely never going to change between us because I believe Cam saw an exclusive relationship meaning that you were committed and now had to buy the girl a diamond ring.  When in fact an exclusive relationship only meant that you committed to each other and allowed to see where things would really go.  If that person ever could be considered as someone you would marry or if they were not.  I explained that I didn't feel like you could do that unless you were exclusive because you were never giving the other person the full chance to win you over completely.
    I told Cam that I needed to be in a relationship that wasn't at a stand still and that could grow, progress or end if it needed to end.  He expressed that he hadn't known how I was feeling because I hadn't told him.  I hadn't explained all of it to him because anytime we talked about what we were it seemed to cause a wedge between us.
     We ended up resolving the situation and had decided that we would continue to date and see where things go.  He asked if I would come over that night because he was going to be going home to Logandale the next day for Thanksgiving break.  When I got to Cam's we talked and cuddled for a little while and then Cam asked me if I would be his girlfriend.  I was surprised he was asking me that, and I told him he didn't have to do that.  He said he wanted to and asked me if I would be.  I told him yes! Right after wards he said, "I've never had a girl want to take a break from me before."  I started laughing. (My dad loves this story, it kills him - sometimes he brings that little part up out of the blue and just starts laughing! ha ha) (I was used to girls chasing me, not me chasing them)

     A couple nights after we had made it "social-media-official" I was at home and Cam was with his family in Logandale. I was sitting on Facebook trying to get the courage up to change my relationship status and to have it say that I was in a relationship with Cam.  My last "official" boyfriend, I had been too afraid that linking him in my relationship status would freak him out.  I was worried about that with Cam too, I had heard him say he didn't ever want Linda to do that.  I knew I wasn't Linda, but I was worried that too would freak Cam out.  I knew that it was silly "social media declaring my relationship to make it official" but I needed to do it.  To me it was a test to see if he really was okay with dating me. For some girls, no matter how lame this sounds, it lets us know that you aren't ashamed of your girl.

    Cam text me right as I was doing changing the relationship from "single" to "in a relationship." He asked me what I was doing, so I figured might as well tell him the truth and see how he reacts.  He was good about it, he said he would accept the request a little later he just wanted to tell his family first so they didn't find out via Facebook. Maybe it was an excuse to let the whole official thing sink in too.. either way he told his family and accepted the request the next day.(this was a big step for me, but girls like this kind of thing so I was ok with it)

     Soon Thanksgiving was over and Christmas was on its way.  I was worried about finding Cam the perfect gift.  Bear Grylls (Cam's hero) had just made a survival knife with Gerber Knife Company, and I knew that was going to be something he loved.  So I ordered it online, and hoped it would get there on time.  As it got closer and closer to Christmas it still had not come! I checked the status on it and it was back ordered until January! (everyone loves Bear Grylls)
    I had to come up with a different gift, so I ordered a Holga Camera online because Cam had told me how cool they were and the natural vignette effect the plastic camera created.  I had plenty of time for that come but it was close! I had to pick it up at the Post Office the morning Cam was suppose to head home for the holidays.  Needless to say, Christmas gift giving was a bit stressful that year.. at least for me.  Cam hand made most of my gifts - which I loved! He seemed way more prepared than I was! (As per usual).
    Cam and his friends were all going to be in Logandale for New Years Eve, and Cam invited me to come.  His roommate T was going to be coming down the day before New Years Eve and said it was okay for me to ride with him and his friends.  When we got to Logandale I started to freak out, I was so nervous to meet Cam's family.  I had met other boyfriends parents before but I never had to go out of state to meet them and I had never stayed at their home before! Plus its always nerve racking!
     When I got there I made T walk me up to the door and Cam answered. He then introduced me to his mom and she gave me a big ole hug! She immediately made me feel so welcome! I was so nervous around his family and felt a bit out of my element so I was pretty quiet.

     I think I stayed in Logandale for about 5 days.  It was so much fun! Our friends were down there too so we did a lot of fun things and I am pretty sure that trip was when I knew I was falling in love with Cam.  Here are some pictures from our trip!

    

I love this pic of us, our friend let us drive the jeep for a little bit to do some off-roading at Red Rock

   

A little off-roading at Red Rock

    

Neil on his dirt bike

We all had black shirts so we decided to go to Red Rock and Take "Family" Pictures here are me and the girls!

It was not easy getting all four of us in here...  ha ha!

Here are all the guys, boy band style!

We got some serious models here.

the pensive look

Our whole "family" picture!

I LOVE this one! I love our "family" they are the best!

Here is brother being dramatic ha ha!

we played on the rocks

We hiked the Red Rock... some of us went higher than others...

I squeezed through crevasses

Cam wrote a love note to me...

 

We repelled into a cave...

I don't love heights, and this was my first time repelling... there may or may not have been some choice words said while doing the rappel.  Cam repelled as one of the last and when he got down there he was so sweet saying "where is she?" they pointed to where I was and he came over to see how I was doing. I was good... just a little cold and I was a bit of chicken... which he now knew.

We found a Tire grave at the bottom of the mesa, collected some and...



they somehow ended up on fire as we pushed them down the mesa.... they always burned out before they ever got all the way to the bottom but it was pretty sweet!



We also went shooting, went to a bonfire, ate dinner at a local neighbors house, had homemade dinner from Cam's amazing mom and Wally's brother made us a dinner one night! It was the most memorable trip ever!

***

     While we were in Logandale I was pretty sure I was falling in love with Cam.  One night when we were cuddling and talking, Cam was trying to comfort me.  Neil had been "instigating" and had said some things that in the moment I'd played cool but later I confessed to Cam that what Neil had said had actually kind of bothered me. 

    Cam and I talked about it and in his process of comforting me he had said one of his friends had told him that they never thought they would ever be envious of Cam and one of his relationships (I'm sure this was because his relationship with Linda had been up and down, combined with Cam's commitment issues his friends probably thought Cam would never settle down let alone have a decent relationship).  His friend had confided that he was a little envious of Cam and I.  Shortly after that Cam said "Kate, I llllllllllllll......." as he slowly started the "lllllll...." my tummy got butterflies and I thought, "Is he going to say it? is he?!" and then he finished by saying "I like you."  I giggled and said "Cam, I...... llllllllike you too." After that Cam started saying "I like you" a lot to me.   (baby steps)

        One day on my lunch break I was making a PB&J sandwich in the break room.  As I plopped some jelly on my already peanut-buttered bread I realized the plop kind of looked like a heart.  I quickly used the knife to add "I" and "you" in the peanut butter and I took a picture of it and sent it to Cam.  I got a little nervous about it so I sent the picture to a couple of my close friends and my family too.

      Later Cam text back and asked me what it meant.  I think I explained that it was heart, that I "hearted" him.   I think he may have asked what the heart meant and I don't think I ever responded. Later that night when we were headed to meet my sister and her husband at the movies, Cam brought up the picture text again. He again wanted to know what "I heart you" meant.

      I was nervous to tell him that I loved him.  I didn't want to freak him out.  I wasn't entirely sure he could handle it. I also knew from past experience, holding in how you feel especially when you love someone, was wrong. I had not told someone before and had regretted it. Loving someone is never wrong and should never be withheld.  Besides, if I couldn't tell Cam how I felt about him, if he couldn't handle it or didn't feel the same way, I needed to know.

     So I whispered to Cam, "I think I kinda-sorta-maybe-might love you." After I finally had gotten the courage to tell Cam even though it was a whisper he had the nerve to say "If you have to whisper it you don't mean it." Rude, right? So I said it again, aloud "I think I kinda-sorta-maybe-might love you." I waited for Cam to say something, anything.  As  Cam parked the car he looked at me and said "Now don't over think that..."  I looked at him weird and said "Over think what?" I thought he was telling me that I was over thinking "loving him" and that I didn't really love him.  I was gonna beat him! He then said "Don't over think me not saying it back... I've never said it before and I just want to be sure before I say it."(I loved her, just couldn't say it first)

     So a little re-cap here, Cam got me to say it first.  He obviously knew it was coming with the whole "what does I heart you mean?" and then he didn't say it back. And I was pretty dang good about it because I didn't completely freak out or anything.  But I also didn't say I love you to him again.  Not until a few days or a week later.  When he finally and casually said it to me.

8.     Being that we are both Mormon, it would not have been that abnormal for us to have dated less than a few months, get engaged and married all with in a six month period.  It's just not that uncommon or strange in Happy Valley where Mormon's "reign."  Cam and I were a little different.  I had heard of people having love at first sight and getting engaged only weeks after meeting... considering Cam and I had dated nearly 6 months before we were ever exclusive  shows we were taking things as they came, nice and slow (for Mormons anyway).

      I never wanted to be one of those couples that fell, hard and fast into love and marriage.  I had once heard someone say that it was good to know someone for four seasons and a road-trip.  Once I had heard that I decided I wanted to go with that... just a quick look back on things, Cam and I had pretty much known each other every season... we were on the brink of Spring, and we had already had a road-trip (Logandale).

      However, one day I heard Creed, Wally and Shelly all talking about going to Seattle for Spring-break and staying with Shelly's family.  I immediately jumped in on that and said "I wanna go!"  Spring-break was a little ways away and who knew where Cam and I were going to be (just because we loved each other didn't mean we would stay together) but it sounded fun. 

     Before we knew it Spring-break was fast approaching and we were buying plane tickets to Seattle. It wasn't going to be a road-trip but a trip all the same.  It would be good to see how we dealt with each other and stressful situations (airports, baggage check, baggage claim, the whole sha-bang).
       Here are some blips from our trip to Washington, Story-Picture-Style. In no particular order...

Pike's Place

A little train ride...

Love this girl! Her family rocks as well! 

He loves me, can't you tell?! ha ha

getting to the end of our hike.. it was rainy and perfect! :)

The beginning of our Hike...

a little Red Robin, time...

   

Wally, Shelly, Creed and Cam being themselves in Seattle!

The Space Needle, David Arquette was in the gift shop at the same time we were.

A little tender reflection moment outside the EMP museum.

Cam being cool

Cam, Me, Shelly's sister, Shelly and Wally

On our hike to Little Si

enjoying the view.

Pike's Place

At the top of the Space Needle

a little go cart fun, I laugh the whole time!

     These last two pictures deserve have a bit of a story behind them. On our hike we decided to wonder off the trail a little to take a picture in the beautiful, green, green forest. We all posed for a couple pictures as Cam was designated Camera-Man.  When we were done taking the pictures, Shelly's mom noticed a rock by her feet that had a heart on it and a K in the middle of it.  Excitedly, she exclaimed that it was just meant for me!
      Cam and I had casually talked about marriage (as casually as you can talk about such a subject).  We hadn't talked about when it would happen or gone ring shopping or anything like that. So when Shelly's mom handed me the rock, I took it and excitedly I looked over at Cam and said "Okay! Now Where's the ring?" ha ha we all laughed.  Cam said I was always real subtle with my hints on marriage.
       When we got back home from Seattle we had family dinner at my parents house. Cam came for dinner.  My family is LOUD and CRAZY I love them dearly but even now, Cam still isn't 100% himself around them. Occasionally I like to say things that I think will make Cam feel a little uncomfortable around my family... I guess I like to see his reaction. Well this particular day I had just the right story for my family.  I began to tell them of our hike and the picture pose, I got to the point where Shelly's mom handed me the rock and I exclaimed "Okay, now where's the ring?!" except I may have changed the ending and I told my whole family that Cam got down on one knee and right then in the story I flew my hand out in the middle of the table to show my family my non-existing
engagement ring. Ha ha I know I am so bad. My mom gasped but everyone immediately saw that I didn't have a ring, and I guess Cam was shaking his head no at my dad the whole time... guess he didn't want my dad to think he hadn't asked for his permission for my hand. ha ha it was all very awesome! (ugh I couldn't believe she did this and had no idea what to do)
    Now just read below for the real story of how we got engaged...

May 7, 2011 (entry from my journal)

     I am getting married!  Today, Cam purposed!  Our day started out rather rough. We (Cam, me and his friends) were planning on going yard sale shopping.  Cam was suppose to call or text me in the morning before they left.  He still hadn't called or text by 11 am so I text him to see if we were still going.  Turns out they had already left!

     I was really bummed and frustrated that he hadn't called and that they had just gone ahead without me.. He called and said he was sorry - but we argued a little on the phone.  He kept telling me to come over  and to go with them, but I wasn't entirely ready and I knew if I went and met up with them that Cam and I wouldn't have gotten along.  I needed to cool down.  So I went for a long drive...   a drive all the way down to Fairview, in order to find cool places to take pictures... since I really like photography.

     On my way  Cam called and wanted me to come over but I told him I was on a drive and that I'd call him when I got back.  Because my drive was a rather long one, Cam called again.  We talked but he was really frustrated and right before he got off the phone with me he said "this is not how I wanted today to go at all!" and hung up. (I wasn't even sure if I wanted to do it now, but figured if I didn't do it then, who knows when I'd get around to it)

     I text him right after and told him that I was sorry and to please not be mad. He text back that he had had the whole day planned and now nothing was going right.  I text back and said that we could still do what he had planned, just that we might have to alter it a bit.

    He had wanted to go for a hike, so when I got back from my drive I went home, packed up some clothes and shoes to hike in and called Cam to let him know I was on my way over  When I got to his place I was nervous.  I knew we needed to talk about things and resolve everything from that morning.

      I explained to him why I was so upset and that I didn't like the way he got all mad when I was the one who seemed to have a genuine reason to be upset in the first place.  He apologized again and asked if we could please have a good rest of the day. I of course said yes.

    We then got all ready to go on a hike like he had planned.  He grabbed his camera, back-pack and we rode his motorcycle up to Battle Creek in PG.  He had told me that he had wanted to take some pictures so he could build his portfolio (this wasn't strange because we had been on a few photography dates before.)  Before we left his apartment I told him that I didn't really want to be in any of the pictures and he gave me this look, and asked "just a few, please?"  I told him okay.

    The hike is super short, but its a bit of a climb up hill.  We were both hot and sweaty.  I was slightly out of breath as well. I had wondered if he was going to purpose but I figured he wouldn't, not after the morning we had had.  Not when we were all sweaty, besides I hadn't noticed any box shape in his jeans pockets. ha ha! Yes I totally tried to see and perhaps even feel for one when we were on the bike. (is that what you were feeling for? jk)

    We got to the point where you can either go down to the bottom of the waterfall or you can hike to the top of the waterfall.  Cam wanted to go to the bottom first but I didn't want to, because I knew once I hiked down to the bottom I wouldn't want to hike to the top afterward.

    Cam was kind enough to oblige to my request and we hiked to the top.  He wasn't really taking very many pictures, which I thought was kind of weird. Wasn't that the whole point of the hike?  We then hiked down to the bottom of the waterfall... he seemed a little weird but not enough for me to think much of anything. (I still didn't know if I was going to do it at this point)

     He wanted to cross the river so we did and I sat on a rock while he set up his tri-pod and camera.  I thought it was a little weird that he was setting up the tri-pod and wondered what he was going to take pictures of exactly, because I mean, how many pictures of a little waterfall can you take?

    Once his camera was all set up he asked if I would be in some pictures, so I stood where he wanted me to and he took a couple.  Then he went to his camera bag and asked if I pose with this... when he said that, I thought, "Oh my gosh! Is he going to purpose?!" but then he pulled out a little bag, a chalk bag to be exact, you know the kind you use when rock climbing. I gave him a weird look as he handed it to me... and he said "you can just pretend you are going to rock climb up by the waterfall."  All I could think was "I'm not in climbing gear at all, I'm not even close to the rock wall right now and this is not going to look legit." yup, I totally thought Cam had lost his artistic, creative eye but I thought, maybe, just maybe he knew what he was talking about and it would be a cool shot.  So I looked behind me thinking I should probably go closer to the waterfall to make it look a little more legit.  When I turned back around toward Cam he was standing in front of me and playing with the chalk bag that I had been holding.  He was pulling a little black box out and got down on one knee and asked if I would marry him.

     I was shocked! I looked down at him and asked "really?! are you for real?" He then gestured with his one free hand at the ring and was like, "uh-ya..."  I said "yes!"   We kissed and the family across the creek clapped and cheered for us.

     After I said yes, I stopped looked at him and said, "Wait! Did you ask my dad?!" He said he had, that he had taken my dad to dinner the night before to Noodles and Co. and asked permission.  When they were at dinner Cam just said something like "Well, I think you know what this is about..." and went from there. ha ha .  My dad said Cam did a good job at asking he didn't beat around the bush or anything... unlike a certain brother-in-law of mine. ha ha  I had been at a movie with my sisters that night so I had no idea! 

      After I made sure he had gotten my dad's permission, Cam  told me he had recorded the whole thing on the camera and that was why he set up the tri-pod. ha ha (which is right here....) (watch it in HD)

     So now I'm getting married! My ring is absolutely perfect!  It's crazy beautiful!  We had gone ring shopping a few weeks before and I had decided between two different rings. I told Cam that he could make the final decision.  Well when he was looking at one of the rings at a jewelry store another guy came in looking at rings with his grandpa.  The guy's grandpa just so happen to be Elder Uctdorf from the First Presidency of the LDS church! He shook Cam's hand and Cam said he felt like it was a sign to get that ring! Cool huh?! We are getting married August 12th 2011 in the Manti Temple.  I am so excited! I Love Cameron Lang Wilson!(I love you too, but don't tell anyone)

Five, Six Locking Lips...

5.  Cam and I began to see each other on a regular basis.  We were NOT exclusive. (I made sure she knew that) He was in and out of town a lot that summer.  He had taken the summer off, in the past he would usually work all summer and then during the the school year he would focus on school.

     This particular summer, Cam's friend Neil was planning on doing some traveling and Cam figured that it would be one of his last chances to do something like this - be a hippie and live a responsible-free summer.  (When I say hippie and responsible-free I do not mean it in the true essence of hippie-ism but more of a Mormon-hippie version.  Basically he wasn't working for "the man" (the man as is referred to in an episode or two of That 70's Show.))  Oh and he was occasionally or the majority of the trip either camping out or sleeping in Neil's car which would be parked in a Wal-Mart parking lot somewhere.

The Scout Trip to Moab

      He first helped out on a Scouts rafting trip in Moab.  Next he was going to be doing a canyoneering trip in Zion's National Park with some friends.  And shortly after that he and Neil would head to Californ-i-a.  They back packed to different beaches, went to Mexico, visited museums, they hit up Yellow-Stone National Park, Yosemite National Park.  They traveled to San Francisco where they stayed with Neil's brother and rested up for a week before Neil did a Tri-Atholon.  They traveled the up the West Coast to Oregon, and Washington (stopping in Forks in honor of Neil's obsession with the Twilight Saga (this may or may not be true about Neil - but it is my blog and I will ad-lib where I see fit.))(This is true I have pictures to prove it)  Eventually their plan was to stay in Canada and visit some National Parks up there before heading back to Utah for a week or two before heading out again to Havasupai, AZ.

The Mist Trail at Yosemite National Park, CA

     A new adventure was always waiting just around the corner for Cam.  Sometimes between adventures, Cam would end up in Happy Valley again.  Usually he'd only be in town for a few days maybe (if I was lucky) a week, then he would head out again.  But on those occasions (which always felt like they were few and far between) I would get to see him.
    Cam would either take me out or I'd invite him to come along with me and my friends.  I was always so impressed that he was always wiling to hang out with me and my friends.  I felt like it didn't matter to him if he was with a group of people he didn't know, as long as he got to spend time with me.
    Cam's trip to California/West Coast/Canada was going to be his longest trip.  He and Neil had planned to be gone almost two months so they would be able to do all that hey had planned. I was pretty bummed that he was going to be gone for that long and I wasn't entirely sure what would happen between us.  So before he left I scheduled to take a day off from work so I could spend a full day with Cam (yes I am that awesome). We went to Denny's  for breakfast, hiked to Stewart Falls, went swimming and later went to The Pit with his friends.

Yosemite National Park, CA

I really like this picture, only because Cam has one NICE Backpack on... right? ha ha

    When Cam left for California I didn't really know what to expect.  We weren't official or anything so I wasn't sure if I would hear form him or even if I would see him when he got back.  I don't think I even had to wait a full day before Cam text me when he was on his trip.
     I heard from Cam almost daily after that.  One day I didn't hear from him and then another day and another day went by without hearing anything from him.   I remember I sort of freaked-out.  Now when I say freaked-out, I don't mean that I text him and called him like a mad woman and left crazy messages.  I mean I freaked-out as in I over thought not hearing from him and wrote my "freak-out" down in my journal.  Turns out he just didn't have service where he was at... ha ha no big deal right? (uhh..worry wart)
     I however was not the only one who freaked-out while Cam was away.  One morning I woke up and had couple of text messages from Cam.  I saw that the time of the messages had come in around 1 or 2 in the morning .  The first asked if I was awake, the next one contained Cam's freak-out.  He said he had heard something from someone and wanted to clear it up.
     I don't remember how everything happened but I do remember that I called him later that morning to talk and clear everything up.  To sum it all up: Cam had been on Facebook that night and had been talking to someone who had heard that I "pretty-much" had a boyfriend. I explained to him that I didn't have a boyfriend and I wasn't dating someone.  He said that it was fine for me to date other people (remember he said this okay? you'll need to remember this for later) but that he hoped that if I started dating someone seriously that I would tell him.

     I was kind of surprised.  I could not think of who would have told him something like that.  I kept running through different people in my mind... everyone I thought of I knew would not have done that.  I asked Cam who he had heard that from and he had told me that he didn't want to say.  He said he didn't want to cause drama and the person that had told him had meant well. He asked again if it was true and I said no.  I explained to him that I had been kinda-sorta dating someone when I first met him, but he knew that and he also knew it was over.  I explained that I wasn't seeing anyone.

     Again I scrambled through my mind trying to figure out who would have told him such a thing.  Finally I resolved that it had to have been someone that Jimmy knew, someone who just didn't know that we weren't dating anymore and had told Cam wrong information.  Months later Cam finally told me who it was, her name was Linda... that friend that Sally knew - who had dated Cam... ya Linda... his Ex. (Linda? not sure how you picked that name)
     Cam and I continued to text nearly every day that we could while he was in California.  I remember thinking one day that the whole distance thing was really starting to wear on me.  I couldn't figure out how people had successful long-distance relationships because it was killing me and we weren't even exclusive.

Case and point, here Cam and Neil are with hot-hippie-chicks

   The distance made it hard to figure out how I really felt because I wasn't with him. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, was that happening to me? Maybe all his flirty texts were something for him to do to pass the time.  Maybe he was making-out with a bunch of hot-hippie-chicks and I'd have no idea.  But then I would get a text from him that was either flirty or funny and my worries would disappear (for a minute... I'm a first class worrier - this I get from my grandma Elle). 

One day Cam sent me this picture and asked "what's missing..." I text back "ME!" pretty much the sweetest picture text ever!

     
       One day Cam text me and asked if I could do him a favor.  He told me that he had ordered something online and it was suppose to be coming that day.  He said his roommates were going to be gone all day and  didn't want the package to just be sitting on the porch so he asked if I could run by his place after work and see if the package was there.  He said for me to just call him when I got to his place and then he could give me the code to the house so I could place the package inside. 

       I remember thinking it was weird that he was asking me to do this for him. "Why not ask one of his buddies?" I thought. I told him I would do it and asked him if he wanted to just give me the code to his house right then to make it easier.  He told me no, that it would be better if  I were to just call him when I got to his place and then he would give it to me.  I was totally bugged that he wouldn't just give me the code to his place, it felt like he didn't trust me and he thought I was going to use the code to his place to break in or something.  I got a little stubborn and told him that it would just be easier to text me the code in case I couldn't get a hold of him.  I explained that I would not use to the code any other time and that I would delete it from my phone right after I put the package in the house.  He finally caved and gave me the code but insisted that I still call him anyway because he wanted to know if the package had come or not.

      I hadn't told Cam this but I had a date planned that night with a guy I went to High School with. I was suppose to go on the date shortly after I got off work and I worried that I would be cutting my timing awfully close if I checked his place after work.  So with out telling Cam I had a date ( I hate to feel jealous and so I don't like to make other people feel that way either hence part of my reason for not telling him about the date) (...right) I told him I was going to check his porch on my lunch break and that I would check it again later if it still wasn't there.

Cam and Juan hiking in to Havisupi, AZ

     He said that was okay and to just be sure to call him when I got to his place again, he explained that he just wanted to know if the package was or was not there and wanted me to call him either way.  I thought the whole thing was a bit strange and thought he was awfully concerned about his stupid package.

    When I went on my lunch break I headed straight to Cam's. I pulled in his drive way and got out. On my way to the porch I could see nothing was sitting next to the door, but thought maybe the mail-man placed it off to the side of the door so I couldn't see it.  I got to the porch checked the whole thing and saw no package.  I headed back to my car to text Cam that his package wasn't there, I know he told me to call but it wasn't there so I figured a text would be no big deal.  As I started down the steps I heard the door open behind me when I turned around Cam was standing there.

Cam a hippie, manly man... he had this long of hair and beard when he surprised me! Love my outdoors-man!

     Cam and Neil had come back from their trip early and he wanted to surprise me.  There was no package- he just wanted to get me to his house.  The reason he wanted me to call him was to make sure that he would really be home and so he wouldn't miss me.  I had kind of wondered if he was going to surprise me but I didn't want to get my hopes up, plus I had a date that night and thought there was no way that he would come home on the same day I had a date. Yet he had and he wanted to hang out that night. (if you had wondered, why were you making it so difficult to let me surprise you?)

    I knew he could tell I was being a little weird. When he asked me if I could hang out that night after work I told him that I couldn't because I had plans.  I felt awful! Here he had surprised me, came back early and I couldn't hang out because I had a date with someone else.  He gave me a weird look and said okay, that he would just see me later then.  I asked him if he was okay and he said he was, he just explained that he wanted to hang out with when I got off but that if I didn't want to I could just tell him.  I realized right then that he thought I was just blowing him off.  I immediately explained, "Cam, I do want to hang out with you! I am so glad you are back, I just have other plans tonight and I can't just blow them off."  He then asked me what my plans were. ( I was rather upset)

      I was so frustrated that he was asking me that, I didn't want to tell him.  I didn't want him to think that I didn't like him just because I had a date with someone else. I was just doing what I was supposed to - Cam and I were not exclusive and he had made that perfectly clear. So seeing no way around his question, other than to tell him the truth, I told him I had a date.

      I asked him if I could see him the next day and I asked him if he would please go with me on my lunch break. I had to beg him to go on my lunch break with me and when I dropped him off I told him I would see him the next day and I was glad he was back.(I thought you just wanted an escape so you could get to the important date, you seemed rushed)

       I went on the date that night and had a lot of fun, but Cam was always in the back of my thoughts.  The next day Cam and I went out.  I had decided that I was not going to kiss/make-out with Cam anymore since we were not exclusive and he didn't want to be. So later on our date when we were back at his house, I explained that to him.  He was totally frustrated and annoyed I could tell.  I think I gave him the whole "no one buys the cow when they get the milk for free" explanation.   The second I said  it he actually cringed.  He said that Linda had always told him that. Which kind of made me cringe, I didn't want to remind him of Linda and I certainly didn't want to end up like Linda had. I didn't really know what to do so I suggested we just pick out the movie as was previously planned. 

         Cam got up and went under the stairs to the movie collection and I followed. We looked at the movie selection for a few minutes and then I thought to myself, oh screw it! I like him and I want to kiss him, so I cornered Cam and laid one on him.  So my no kissing lasted a grand total of 15 minutes... if that! (Ha what can I say I'm irresistible, that being said I had been waiting all summer for that kiss)
               

                                                                                  ***

6.   Cam and I had an open relationship for the next couple of months.  It was never easy for me.  I felt like something was wrong with me because almost every guy I had dated had some kind of commitment issue (or maybe it was with the commitment issue considering I kept finding the guys that seemed to have one, perhaps I wasn't ready for a real relationship to go somewhere... nah! It was them not me).  I knew I really liked Cam and decided that I would see where things would go - if anywhere.

      Any time we talked about dating -whether it was each other or other people it would cause a rift in our open relationship. I felt like Cam was constantly reminding me that we were NOT exclusive which bothered me - I knew we weren't and it drove me nuts that he had to remind me.  Sometimes it felt like a slap in the face, like "oh hey, I know you want this to go somewhere but just remember its not."  His actions were often times hypocritical of his words- or that's how I felt at least. We spent the majority of our free time together, we would text daily, and we often acted like a couple - cuddling and kissing.
     One day when I was on my lunch break with Cam, he reminded me again that we dating other people by mentioning he had been going out on dates.  Three dates to be exact - one with one girl and two with a different girl.  Needless to say, I was pretty annoyed with him when I left and headed back to work. I didn't give him a kiss or anything before I left.  Later text me and complained about me not giving him a kiss before I left.

     I was suppose to go over to his place after work that same day, so I could help him with an assignment he had for a class.   Oddly enough I didn't feel like going over anymore.  I felt like I was an idiot! Here I was spending so much time, energy and my heart on a guy that seemed to only want to date me if it was convenient for him.  He obviously liked one of the girls enough to take her out twice so was it only a matter of time before he would decide that she was "better" than me?  Was I just there to date and kiss until someone "better" came along?

     When dating, it seems everyone else is able to see everything so crystal clear.  Ever thing is black and white, there is no gray and certainly no emotions to be considered because they aren't in the ones truly involved.  I often would listen to my friends, co-workers or family give me different advice.  Often times I welcomed it and tried to listen to what they said.  One of them had recommended that I pull away from Cam, make him come to me. (who was this person? I've got some words for them)

      I figured I would give it a shot, I knew it wasn't going to be easy because I really liked spending time with Cam and talking to him.  I decided I would start that night  So I told Cam that I wasn't sure if I was going to over after work.  I told him that Jane was going long boarding with some friends and had invited me.  I told him I'd text him when I was done.  Usually I would have just invited him to come along - but not this time. (oooh tough girl)

     After long boarding, my friends and I were hungry so we decided we would go grab some food at a Chinese place. I texted Cam and told him that I wasn't going to come over, that I was with my friends and was just going to stay and hang out with them.  He did NOT like that.  He was upset so when we got to the restaurant my friends went inside and I called him to make sure he wasn't too mad.

     I hardly talked to him the rest of the week and over the weekend we text a little bit but I didn't see him.  The following Monday I had made plans to go to Salt Lake with Jane and my friend Christy to visit my friend Miller and his roommates.  Before I left, Cam text me and told me I should come over.  I can't remember how he invited me over but I know it made me mad, plus I had plans already so I just told him  "That's okay, I'm good."  He got frustrated with me so I called him on my way to pick up Jane and Christy and I just explained I had other plans. I think he thought I was blowing him off because he asked what my plans were so I just told him that Christy, Jane and I were going to see my friend Miller in Salt Lake.  He didn't really like that, I told him to just not worry about it and that I would talk to him tomorrow.  We got off the phone and I thought everything was just fine.  Christy, Jane and I had fun with Miller and his roommates and the next day I text Cam.

       I had decided that Cam and I had just kind of had a lot of drama with our "open relationship" and I was tired of it.  I didn't want to have to pull away from Cam and I didn't like all the drama and the rifts that kept happening.  I decided that I was just going to text Cam and ask him if we could stop with all the drama that we had been having lately and told him I just wanted to have fun again like we had before but weren't having as much of anymore.  He responded and seemed excited to not have any drama anymore and couldn't wait to just have fun again.  We decided that I would come over for a little bit after work before I went home to  a Photoshop class that I was taking.

     When I got to Cam's we just cuddled on the couch and talked for a little bit.  Things were going great and then his roommate came home.  I can't  even remember this roommate's name but as he walked in he turned to Cam and said, "Hey man, I'm real sorry about walking in on you guys last night.  I didn't know anyone was here." Cam's body got all tense and then he said "you didn't walk in on me last night."  His roommate looked at Cam weird and said, "Oh really? huh. I thought it was you.  Well I don't know who it was then, but I got home and walked in on someone cuddling with a girl on the couch."  Cam still tense, looked at him and said, "huh, ya it wasn't me."(I hated that kid, he was socially inept)

     Cam's roommate then excused himself and headed to his bedroom to study.  With the exit of his roommate, Cam's body relaxed again.  I thought the whole thing was really weird, especially how Cam's entire body got tense.  My stomach got a little sick, I pulled away from Cam a bit and while looking him straight in the eyes I asked, "Were you cuddling with some girl last night? Was it you?"

    That is when everything began to unravel.  Cam explained that he didn't know what was going on with him and I.  He said he had thought that we were over between us and he was confused.  So since I was going to hang out with some guys (which I was totally okay to do considering we were NOT exclusive) he had a girl come over.  He said they watched a movie and cuddled.  I was incredible hurt and frustrated in that moment.  To me, you don't just get cozy with someone that you don't like and I did not understand why on earth he thought things were over between us- I had even said on the phone last night that I would talk to him the next day! ( I hadn't seen you for over a week and the last 3 times I tried you made excuses not to see me, read the blog it's all in there)

      We talked about it for a little while, turns out he was also locking lips with her as well. Not only that but Cam kept asking me if I was going to go to my class and I said, "I don't know I would like to resolve this first."  He then encouraged me to go to my class and I was frustrated - was this not important to him? Was I not important to him?  Turns out he was trying to get me to leave because a girl had asked him out and he was suppose to go get ice-cream with her.  Oddly enough I was not in the best mood.  As I was leaving, Cam asked what he wanted me to have him do, I remember looking at him and saying "fix it." He text me and told me he wanted to talk some more and asked if we could talk later.

      I went home crying, I told my mom and Jane what had happened.  Jane naturally thought I should just be done with him. (that Jane, she could have ruined everything, between her and Neil I don't know how we got together, must have meant to be) I know that if it had happened to anyone other than me, I would tell them the same thing.  Get out, get out now.  However, my heart was involved and matters of the heart cause the black and white matters of the mind to turn a million different shades of gray (ha ha no dirty pun intended ha ha). (huh?)

     Cam and I met up later and had the LONGEST talk about things.  By the end of it I still wasn't sure what I wanted.  I told him I needed a little bit of time to think.

      The next morning I realized that I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about ending things with him.  I called my mom at work and asked for her advice.  I remember asking her if she thought I would completely stupid to give him another shot? I told her that I wished more than anything that we could just start over, that I still liked him.  My mom is amazing, and told me she didn't think I would be stupid.  I told her what my plan was going to be and she was in full support. I needed to give him another chance because if I didn't, I knew that I would regret it. (Yeah, note the difference when you talk to you mom, then when you talk to you friends, one is definitely smarter than the other)

     I text Cam that morning,  I told him that I wanted to give things a shot again.  I told him that I couldn't go back to how things were and that I wanted to start over.  I  told him I didn't care if we had to go back to Cafe' Rio and meet all over again... but I couldn't just pick up where things left off.  I didn't want to kiss or anything... we would have to have our firsts all over again.

     Cam expressed that he was completely willing to do that.  At first, he really did not know how to act around me.  He made sure to keep his distance, he wouldn't cuddle with me unless I told him it was okay.

     Starting over really seemed to work for Cam and I. While we still were in an open relationship there wasn't the complications of the drama and games anymore.  I held out for a few weeks before I finally caved and kissed Cam.  We were on a double date with Creed and his girlfriend Shelly.  We had gone to a corn-maze. Cam and I fell behind a little bit and I just grabbed him and kissed him. (again irresistible) We then caught up with his friends and that was that.  I think he knew that if he locked lips with any other girl after all of that then he would lose me completely.