Thursday, October 18, 2012

Seven, Eight set the Date...

Cowboy Cam & Sailor Kate on Halloween 2010

7.     Cam and I stayed in an open relationship for a long time.  I knew that he had always been off and on again with Linda and that in their two years of dating there was only a month or two where they were actually official.  I don't know why I thought things with me would be any different. All I knew was that pestering him or wanting to always have a DTR (Define the Relationship) only hindered whatever it was we had. So during our run at a second shot at things I decided I would not ask him about where things were going with us - if anywhere.
     One day in November the weekend that the final Harry Potter movie came to theaters part-one I told Cam I wanted to see it.  I told him I was so excited to go see it and that I saw via Facebook that  his roommate T and his friend Juan had gone to the midnight showing and loved it.  Cam was like "yeah, we could maybe go see it." 
      That Saturday Cam and I were texting and trying to make plans for the day.  I suggested we go see Harry Potter and to try for a matinee.  Cam text me back and said "What if I told you I already saw it?" I text him back and said, "What? When?"  He said he'd seen it opening night at the midnight showing.
     Frustrated that he hadn't just told me when I had originally said I wanted to go - my mind though "He didn't tell you because he was on a date with another girl!" Sometimes as a girl, emotions cause one to become slightly irrational and you sometimes do stupid things.  For example, I text Cam back and said " So you didn't tell me because what you took another girl to it?!"(I was going to go see it again with you)
     I shouldn't have gotten frustrated - even if he had taken another girl.  I knew what I had agreed to - a non-exclusive relationship.  He was free to date and I had no right to be mad and I certainly had no right to ask him if he had taken another girl, because I too was free to date and do as I pleased.
     Cam text me back and told me he hadn't taken another girl.  He had gone with Juan and T.  He informed me that I would have known that had I Facebook "stalked" him and not his friends!
    I told him that I was sorry that I didn't know, and that he never posted things on FB and the only reason I had seen that his friends had gone was because it popped up on my News-Feed!  I told him that if he had seen it opening night with his friends that he just have just told me when I mentioned it in the first place.  He explained that I had been so excited about it and wanted to see it that he didn't want to let me down.
Cam doesn't love Halloween but he dressed up and came to Jane's where we threw a party!  (I spent like 5 minutes staring at this but everyone can just move on.)
    We came to terms on the stupid argument but I still felt so upset.  I guess I had just had all this small stuff build up and now I couldn't hold it all in.  A lot of it had to do with the fact that our "relationship" or whatever you wanted to call it, was at a stand still.  There was no progress and relationships need to grow and progress. (Spending time with each other and getting to know each other was progress)
    I talked to my sister about all these pent up feeling I had and she suggested that I tell him I needed a little break - to clear my head.  She told me that I didn't need to make it about him, that I could just tell him I'd been really stressed with work and just wasn't feeling myself lately.
    So I did, I told him that I'd still keep in touch through text but it wouldn't be all the time and that again it was not him.  All of this was true - it wasn't him.  He'd always been honest with me and I had to be a complete idiot to not have known that he had commitment issues.
      The problem was me.  I wasn't taking care of myself and wasn't concerned with my own wants and needs in the "relationship".  In a past relationship I had had, I had done the same thing. I had let the relationship be my everything.  I would eat, breathe, and sleep the relationship.  I didn't really have friends or hobbies or anything that was not somehow connected to my boyfriend at the time.
     In that past relationship I had done everything I could to mold myself into the "perfect" girlfriend for that boyfriend.  It isn't something I am proud of and I certainly do NOT recommend anyone ever change themselves or sacrifice their happiness solely for someone else. It was incredibly unhealthy and I certainly suffered the consequences of it after we broke up.  I had completely lost myself in that relationship, so much so that when it ended I didn't know where I, as an individual started and ended.  I knew that if I had done that once, I was certainly capable of doing that again and if I didn't step back and re-evaluate what I wanted and needed, I was going to sacrifice my own true happiness.
      Cam was really understanding - in fact the whole thing seemed to take him by surprise.  When I expressed my need for a break he said "Okay... I thought everything was going good between us."
     Over the weekend I kept thinking things over and what was going to be best for me.  I was pretty sure that I was going to need to end things entirely with Cam.  I was tired of not being able to progress.  I had been nearly six month since we had first met and started dating and we still were not exclusive.  If Cam still hadn't wanted to be exclusive chances were he was never going to want to.  I didn't want to keep wasting my time and so I figured things needed to end.  I knew it was going to be really hard for me because I really liked Cam - so I decided that I would think about it for a few more days and make sure that was really what I needed to do.
     That following Monday Cam Text me and asked if we could talk.  I told him we could that I'd text or call him on my lunch break.  Because of our schedules we ended up texting.  Which in this case ended up being good, through text I was able to truly think things through before I said them.  Cam wanted to know what I was thinking and why I felt like I needed space.  He also wanted to know why if it wasn't about him then why did I need space from him.  So I began to explain everything to him.
     I told him things that had been bothering me.  I told him that I had been okay being non-exclusive at first and that I understood we didn't need to rush anything.  I told him that I was beginning to see that things were most likely never going to change between us because I believe Cam saw an exclusive relationship meaning that you were committed and now had to buy the girl a diamond ring.  When in fact an exclusive relationship only meant that you committed to each other and allowed to see where things would really go.  If that person ever could be considered as someone you would marry or if they were not.  I explained that I didn't feel like you could do that unless you were exclusive because you were never giving the other person the full chance to win you over completely.
    I told Cam that I needed to be in a relationship that wasn't at a stand still and that could grow, progress or end if it needed to end.  He expressed that he hadn't known how I was feeling because I hadn't told him.  I hadn't explained all of it to him because anytime we talked about what we were it seemed to cause a wedge between us.
     We ended up resolving the situation and had decided that we would continue to date and see where things go.  He asked if I would come over that night because he was going to be going home to Logandale the next day for Thanksgiving break.  When I got to Cam's we talked and cuddled for a little while and then Cam asked me if I would be his girlfriend.  I was surprised he was asking me that, and I told him he didn't have to do that.  He said he wanted to and asked me if I would be.  I told him yes! Right after wards he said, "I've never had a girl want to take a break from me before."  I started laughing. (My dad loves this story, it kills him - sometimes he brings that little part up out of the blue and just starts laughing! ha ha) (I was used to girls chasing me, not me chasing them)

     A couple nights after we had made it "social-media-official" I was at home and Cam was with his family in Logandale. I was sitting on Facebook trying to get the courage up to change my relationship status and to have it say that I was in a relationship with Cam.  My last "official" boyfriend, I had been too afraid that linking him in my relationship status would freak him out.  I was worried about that with Cam too, I had heard him say he didn't ever want Linda to do that.  I knew I wasn't Linda, but I was worried that too would freak Cam out.  I knew that it was silly "social media declaring my relationship to make it official" but I needed to do it.  To me it was a test to see if he really was okay with dating me. For some girls, no matter how lame this sounds, it lets us know that you aren't ashamed of your girl.

    Cam text me right as I was doing changing the relationship from "single" to "in a relationship." He asked me what I was doing, so I figured might as well tell him the truth and see how he reacts.  He was good about it, he said he would accept the request a little later he just wanted to tell his family first so they didn't find out via Facebook. Maybe it was an excuse to let the whole official thing sink in too.. either way he told his family and accepted the request the next day.(this was a big step for me, but girls like this kind of thing so I was ok with it)
     Soon Thanksgiving was over and Christmas was on its way.  I was worried about finding Cam the perfect gift.  Bear Grylls (Cam's hero) had just made a survival knife with Gerber Knife Company, and I knew that was going to be something he loved.  So I ordered it online, and hoped it would get there on time.  As it got closer and closer to Christmas it still had not come! I checked the status on it and it was back ordered until January! (everyone loves Bear Grylls)
    I had to come up with a different gift, so I ordered a Holga Camera online because Cam had told me how cool they were and the natural vignette effect the plastic camera created.  I had plenty of time for that come but it was close! I had to pick it up at the Post Office the morning Cam was suppose to head home for the holidays.  Needless to say, Christmas gift giving was a bit stressful that year.. at least for me.  Cam hand made most of my gifts - which I loved! He seemed way more prepared than I was! (As per usual).
    Cam and his friends were all going to be in Logandale for New Years Eve, and Cam invited me to come.  His roommate T was going to be coming down the day before New Years Eve and said it was okay for me to ride with him and his friends.  When we got to Logandale I started to freak out, I was so nervous to meet Cam's family.  I had met other boyfriends parents before but I never had to go out of state to meet them and I had never stayed at their home before! Plus its always nerve racking!
     When I got there I made T walk me up to the door and Cam answered. He then introduced me to his mom and she gave me a big ole hug! She immediately made me feel so welcome! I was so nervous around his family and felt a bit out of my element so I was pretty quiet.

     I think I stayed in Logandale for about 5 days.  It was so much fun! Our friends were down there too so we did a lot of fun things and I am pretty sure that trip was when I knew I was falling in love with Cam.  Here are some pictures from our trip!
I love this pic of us, our friend let us drive the jeep for a little bit to do some off-roading at Red Rock

A little off-roading at Red Rock
Neil on his dirt bike

We all had black shirts so we decided to go to Red Rock and Take "Family" Pictures here are me and the girls!
It was not easy getting all four of us in here...  ha ha!

Here are all the guys, boy band style!

We got some serious models here.

the pensive look

Our whole "family" picture!

I LOVE this one! I love our "family" they are the best!

Here is brother being dramatic ha ha!

we played on the rocks

We hiked the Red Rock... some of us went higher than others...

I squeezed through crevasses

Cam wrote a love note to me...


We repelled into a cave...
I don't love heights, and this was my first time repelling... there may or may not have been some choice words said while doing the rappel.  Cam repelled as one of the last and when he got down there he was so sweet saying "where is she?" they pointed to where I was and he came over to see how I was doing. I was good... just a little cold and I was a bit of chicken... which he now knew.

We found a Tire grave at the bottom of the mesa, collected some and...

they somehow ended up on fire as we pushed them down the mesa.... they always burned out before they ever got all the way to the bottom but it was pretty sweet!

We also went shooting, went to a bonfire, ate dinner at a local neighbors house, had homemade dinner from Cam's amazing mom and Wally's brother made us a dinner one night! It was the most memorable trip ever!

     While we were in Logandale I was pretty sure I was falling in love with Cam.  One night when we were cuddling and talking, Cam was trying to comfort me.  Neil had been "instigating" and had said some things that in the moment I'd played cool but later I confessed to Cam that what Neil had said had actually kind of bothered me. 
    Cam and I talked about it and in his process of comforting me he had said one of his friends had told him that they never thought they would ever be envious of Cam and one of his relationships (I'm sure this was because his relationship with Linda had been up and down, combined with Cam's commitment issues his friends probably thought Cam would never settle down let alone have a decent relationship).  His friend had confided that he was a little envious of Cam and I.  Shortly after that Cam said "Kate, I llllllllllllll......." as he slowly started the "lllllll...." my tummy got butterflies and I thought, "Is he going to say it? is he?!" and then he finished by saying "I like you."  I giggled and said "Cam, I...... llllllllike you too." After that Cam started saying "I like you" a lot to me.   (baby steps)
        One day on my lunch break I was making a PB&J sandwich in the break room.  As I plopped some jelly on my already peanut-buttered bread I realized the plop kind of looked like a heart.  I quickly used the knife to add "I" and "you" in the peanut butter and I took a picture of it and sent it to Cam.  I got a little nervous about it so I sent the picture to a couple of my close friends and my family too.

      Later Cam text back and asked me what it meant.  I think I explained that it was heart, that I "hearted" him.   I think he may have asked what the heart meant and I don't think I ever responded. Later that night when we were headed to meet my sister and her husband at the movies, Cam brought up the picture text again. He again wanted to know what "I heart you" meant.
      I was nervous to tell him that I loved him.  I didn't want to freak him out.  I wasn't entirely sure he could handle it. I also knew from past experience, holding in how you feel especially when you love someone, was wrong. I had not told someone before and had regretted it. Loving someone is never wrong and should never be withheld.  Besides, if I couldn't tell Cam how I felt about him, if he couldn't handle it or didn't feel the same way, I needed to know.
     So I whispered to Cam, "I think I kinda-sorta-maybe-might love you." After I finally had gotten the courage to tell Cam even though it was a whisper he had the nerve to say "If you have to whisper it you don't mean it." Rude, right? So I said it again, aloud "I think I kinda-sorta-maybe-might love you." I waited for Cam to say something, anything.  As  Cam parked the car he looked at me and said "Now don't over think that..."  I looked at him weird and said "Over think what?" I thought he was telling me that I was over thinking "loving him" and that I didn't really love him.  I was gonna beat him! He then said "Don't over think me not saying it back... I've never said it before and I just want to be sure before I say it."(I loved her, just couldn't say it first)
     So a little re-cap here, Cam got me to say it first.  He obviously knew it was coming with the whole "what does I heart you mean?" and then he didn't say it back. And I was pretty dang good about it because I didn't completely freak out or anything.  But I also didn't say I love you to him again.  Not until a few days or a week later.  When he finally and casually said it to me.

8.     Being that we are both Mormon, it would not have been that abnormal for us to have dated less than a few months, get engaged and married all with in a six month period.  It's just not that uncommon or strange in Happy Valley where Mormon's "reign."  Cam and I were a little different.  I had heard of people having love at first sight and getting engaged only weeks after meeting... considering Cam and I had dated nearly 6 months before we were ever exclusive  shows we were taking things as they came, nice and slow (for Mormons anyway).
      I never wanted to be one of those couples that fell, hard and fast into love and marriage.  I had once heard someone say that it was good to know someone for four seasons and a road-trip.  Once I had heard that I decided I wanted to go with that... just a quick look back on things, Cam and I had pretty much known each other every season... we were on the brink of Spring, and we had already had a road-trip (Logandale).
      However, one day I heard Creed, Wally and Shelly all talking about going to Seattle for Spring-break and staying with Shelly's family.  I immediately jumped in on that and said "I wanna go!"  Spring-break was a little ways away and who knew where Cam and I were going to be (just because we loved each other didn't mean we would stay together) but it sounded fun. 
     Before we knew it Spring-break was fast approaching and we were buying plane tickets to Seattle. It wasn't going to be a road-trip but a trip all the same.  It would be good to see how we dealt with each other and stressful situations (airports, baggage check, baggage claim, the whole sha-bang).
       Here are some blips from our trip to Washington, Story-Picture-Style. In no particular order...
Pike's Place

A little train ride...

Love this girl! Her family rocks as well! 

He loves me, can't you tell?! ha ha

getting to the end of our hike.. it was rainy and perfect! :)

The beginning of our Hike...
a little Red Robin, time...

Wally, Shelly, Creed and Cam being themselves in Seattle!

The Space Needle, David Arquette was in the gift shop at the same time we were.

A little tender reflection moment outside the EMP museum.

Cam being cool

Cam, Me, Shelly's sister, Shelly and Wally

On our hike to Little Si

enjoying the view.

Pike's Place

At the top of the Space Needle

a little go cart fun, I laugh the whole time!

     These last two pictures deserve have a bit of a story behind them. On our hike we decided to wonder off the trail a little to take a picture in the beautiful, green, green forest. We all posed for a couple pictures as Cam was designated Camera-Man.  When we were done taking the pictures, Shelly's mom noticed a rock by her feet that had a heart on it and a K in the middle of it.  Excitedly, she exclaimed that it was just meant for me!
      Cam and I had casually talked about marriage (as casually as you can talk about such a subject).  We hadn't talked about when it would happen or gone ring shopping or anything like that. So when Shelly's mom handed me the rock, I took it and excitedly I looked over at Cam and said "Okay! Now Where's the ring?" ha ha we all laughed.  Cam said I was always real subtle with my hints on marriage.
       When we got back home from Seattle we had family dinner at my parents house. Cam came for dinner.  My family is LOUD and CRAZY I love them dearly but even now, Cam still isn't 100% himself around them. Occasionally I like to say things that I think will make Cam feel a little uncomfortable around my family... I guess I like to see his reaction. Well this particular day I had just the right story for my family.  I began to tell them of our hike and the picture pose, I got to the point where Shelly's mom handed me the rock and I exclaimed "Okay, now where's the ring?!" except I may have changed the ending and I told my whole family that Cam got down on one knee and right then in the story I flew my hand out in the middle of the table to show my family my non-existing
engagement ring. Ha ha I know I am so bad. My mom gasped but everyone immediately saw that I didn't have a ring, and I guess Cam was shaking his head no at my dad the whole time... guess he didn't want my dad to think he hadn't asked for his permission for my hand. ha ha it was all very awesome! (ugh I couldn't believe she did this and had no idea what to do)
    Now just read below for the real story of how we got engaged...

May 7, 2011 (entry from my journal)

     I am getting married!  Today, Cam purposed!  Our day started out rather rough. We (Cam, me and his friends) were planning on going yard sale shopping.  Cam was suppose to call or text me in the morning before they left.  He still hadn't called or text by 11 am so I text him to see if we were still going.  Turns out they had already left!
     I was really bummed and frustrated that he hadn't called and that they had just gone ahead without me.. He called and said he was sorry - but we argued a little on the phone.  He kept telling me to come over  and to go with them, but I wasn't entirely ready and I knew if I went and met up with them that Cam and I wouldn't have gotten along.  I needed to cool down.  So I went for a long drive...   a drive all the way down to Fairview, in order to find cool places to take pictures... since I really like photography.
     On my way  Cam called and wanted me to come over but I told him I was on a drive and that I'd call him when I got back.  Because my drive was a rather long one, Cam called again.  We talked but he was really frustrated and right before he got off the phone with me he said "this is not how I wanted today to go at all!" and hung up. (I wasn't even sure if I wanted to do it now, but figured if I didn't do it then, who knows when I'd get around to it)
     I text him right after and told him that I was sorry and to please not be mad. He text back that he had had the whole day planned and now nothing was going right.  I text back and said that we could still do what he had planned, just that we might have to alter it a bit.
    He had wanted to go for a hike, so when I got back from my drive I went home, packed up some clothes and shoes to hike in and called Cam to let him know I was on my way over  When I got to his place I was nervous.  I knew we needed to talk about things and resolve everything from that morning.
      I explained to him why I was so upset and that I didn't like the way he got all mad when I was the one who seemed to have a genuine reason to be upset in the first place.  He apologized again and asked if we could please have a good rest of the day. I of course said yes.
    We then got all ready to go on a hike like he had planned.  He grabbed his camera, back-pack and we rode his motorcycle up to Battle Creek in PG.  He had told me that he had wanted to take some pictures so he could build his portfolio (this wasn't strange because we had been on a few photography dates before.)  Before we left his apartment I told him that I didn't really want to be in any of the pictures and he gave me this look, and asked "just a few, please?"  I told him okay.
    The hike is super short, but its a bit of a climb up hill.  We were both hot and sweaty.  I was slightly out of breath as well. I had wondered if he was going to purpose but I figured he wouldn't, not after the morning we had had.  Not when we were all sweaty, besides I hadn't noticed any box shape in his jeans pockets. ha ha! Yes I totally tried to see and perhaps even feel for one when we were on the bike. (is that what you were feeling for? jk)
    We got to the point where you can either go down to the bottom of the waterfall or you can hike to the top of the waterfall.  Cam wanted to go to the bottom first but I didn't want to, because I knew once I hiked down to the bottom I wouldn't want to hike to the top afterward.
    Cam was kind enough to oblige to my request and we hiked to the top.  He wasn't really taking very many pictures, which I thought was kind of weird. Wasn't that the whole point of the hike?  We then hiked down to the bottom of the waterfall... he seemed a little weird but not enough for me to think much of anything. (I still didn't know if I was going to do it at this point)
     He wanted to cross the river so we did and I sat on a rock while he set up his tri-pod and camera.  I thought it was a little weird that he was setting up the tri-pod and wondered what he was going to take pictures of exactly, because I mean, how many pictures of a little waterfall can you take?
    Once his camera was all set up he asked if I would be in some pictures, so I stood where he wanted me to and he took a couple.  Then he went to his camera bag and asked if I pose with this... when he said that, I thought, "Oh my gosh! Is he going to purpose?!" but then he pulled out a little bag, a chalk bag to be exact, you know the kind you use when rock climbing. I gave him a weird look as he handed it to me... and he said "you can just pretend you are going to rock climb up by the waterfall."  All I could think was "I'm not in climbing gear at all, I'm not even close to the rock wall right now and this is not going to look legit." yup, I totally thought Cam had lost his artistic, creative eye but I thought, maybe, just maybe he knew what he was talking about and it would be a cool shot.  So I looked behind me thinking I should probably go closer to the waterfall to make it look a little more legit.  When I turned back around toward Cam he was standing in front of me and playing with the chalk bag that I had been holding.  He was pulling a little black box out and got down on one knee and asked if I would marry him.
     I was shocked! I looked down at him and asked "really?! are you for real?" He then gestured with his one free hand at the ring and was like, "uh-ya..."  I said "yes!"   We kissed and the family across the creek clapped and cheered for us.
     After I said yes, I stopped looked at him and said, "Wait! Did you ask my dad?!" He said he had, that he had taken my dad to dinner the night before to Noodles and Co. and asked permission.  When they were at dinner Cam just said something like "Well, I think you know what this is about..." and went from there. ha ha .  My dad said Cam did a good job at asking he didn't beat around the bush or anything... unlike a certain brother-in-law of mine. ha ha  I had been at a movie with my sisters that night so I had no idea! 
      After I made sure he had gotten my dad's permission, Cam  told me he had recorded the whole thing on the camera and that was why he set up the tri-pod. ha ha (which is right here....) (watch it in HD)

     So now I'm getting married! My ring is absolutely perfect!  It's crazy beautiful!  We had gone ring shopping a few weeks before and I had decided between two different rings. I told Cam that he could make the final decision.  Well when he was looking at one of the rings at a jewelry store another guy came in looking at rings with his grandpa.  The guy's grandpa just so happen to be Elder Uctdorf from the First Presidency of the LDS church! He shook Cam's hand and Cam said he felt like it was a sign to get that ring! Cool huh?! We are getting married August 12th 2011 in the Manti Temple.  I am so excited! I Love Cameron Lang Wilson!(I love you too, but don't tell anyone)