Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Five, Six Locking Lips...

5.  Cam and I began to see each other on a regular basis.  We were NOT exclusive. (I made sure she knew that) He was in and out of town a lot that summer.  He had taken the summer off, in the past he would usually work all summer and then during the the school year he would focus on school.
     This particular summer, Cam's friend Neil was planning on doing some traveling and Cam figured that it would be one of his last chances to do something like this - be a hippie and live a responsible-free summer.  (When I say hippie and responsible-free I do not mean it in the true essence of hippie-ism but more of a Mormon-hippie version.  Basically he wasn't working for "the man" (the man as is referred to in an episode or two of That 70's Show.))  Oh and he was occasionally or the majority of the trip either camping out or sleeping in Neil's car which would be parked in a Wal-Mart parking lot somewhere.
The Scout Trip to Moab

      He first helped out on a Scouts rafting trip in Moab.  Next he was going to be doing a canyoneering trip in Zion's National Park with some friends.  And shortly after that he and Neil would head to Californ-i-a.  They back packed to different beaches, went to Mexico, visited museums, they hit up Yellow-Stone National Park, Yosemite National Park.  They traveled to San Francisco where they stayed with Neil's brother and rested up for a week before Neil did a Tri-Atholon.  They traveled the up the West Coast to Oregon, and Washington (stopping in Forks in honor of Neil's obsession with the Twilight Saga (this may or may not be true about Neil - but it is my blog and I will ad-lib where I see fit.))(This is true I have pictures to prove it)  Eventually their plan was to stay in Canada and visit some National Parks up there before heading back to Utah for a week or two before heading out again to Havasupai, AZ.
The Mist Trail at Yosemite National Park, CA
     A new adventure was always waiting just around the corner for Cam.  Sometimes between adventures, Cam would end up in Happy Valley again.  Usually he'd only be in town for a few days maybe (if I was lucky) a week, then he would head out again.  But on those occasions (which always felt like they were few and far between) I would get to see him.
    Cam would either take me out or I'd invite him to come along with me and my friends.  I was always so impressed that he was always wiling to hang out with me and my friends.  I felt like it didn't matter to him if he was with a group of people he didn't know, as long as he got to spend time with me.
    Cam's trip to California/West Coast/Canada was going to be his longest trip.  He and Neil had planned to be gone almost two months so they would be able to do all that hey had planned. I was pretty bummed that he was going to be gone for that long and I wasn't entirely sure what would happen between us.  So before he left I scheduled to take a day off from work so I could spend a full day with Cam (yes I am that awesome). We went to Denny's  for breakfast, hiked to Stewart Falls, went swimming and later went to The Pit with his friends.
Yosemite National Park, CA
I really like this picture, only because Cam has one NICE Backpack on... right? ha ha
    When Cam left for California I didn't really know what to expect.  We weren't official or anything so I wasn't sure if I would hear form him or even if I would see him when he got back.  I don't think I even had to wait a full day before Cam text me when he was on his trip.
     I heard from Cam almost daily after that.  One day I didn't hear from him and then another day and another day went by without hearing anything from him.   I remember I sort of freaked-out.  Now when I say freaked-out, I don't mean that I text him and called him like a mad woman and left crazy messages.  I mean I freaked-out as in I over thought not hearing from him and wrote my "freak-out" down in my journal.  Turns out he just didn't have service where he was at... ha ha no big deal right? (uhh..worry wart)
     I however was not the only one who freaked-out while Cam was away.  One morning I woke up and had couple of text messages from Cam.  I saw that the time of the messages had come in around 1 or 2 in the morning .  The first asked if I was awake, the next one contained Cam's freak-out.  He said he had heard something from someone and wanted to clear it up.
     I don't remember how everything happened but I do remember that I called him later that morning to talk and clear everything up.  To sum it all up: Cam had been on Facebook that night and had been talking to someone who had heard that I "pretty-much" had a boyfriend. I explained to him that I didn't have a boyfriend and I wasn't dating someone.  He said that it was fine for me to date other people (remember he said this okay? you'll need to remember this for later) but that he hoped that if I started dating someone seriously that I would tell him.
     I was kind of surprised.  I could not think of who would have told him something like that.  I kept running through different people in my mind... everyone I thought of I knew would not have done that.  I asked Cam who he had heard that from and he had told me that he didn't want to say.  He said he didn't want to cause drama and the person that had told him had meant well. He asked again if it was true and I said no.  I explained to him that I had been kinda-sorta dating someone when I first met him, but he knew that and he also knew it was over.  I explained that I wasn't seeing anyone.
     Again I scrambled through my mind trying to figure out who would have told him such a thing.  Finally I resolved that it had to have been someone that Jimmy knew, someone who just didn't know that we weren't dating anymore and had told Cam wrong information.  Months later Cam finally told me who it was, her name was Linda... that friend that Sally knew - who had dated Cam... ya Linda... his Ex. (Linda? not sure how you picked that name)
     Cam and I continued to text nearly every day that we could while he was in California.  I remember thinking one day that the whole distance thing was really starting to wear on me.  I couldn't figure out how people had successful long-distance relationships because it was killing me and we weren't even exclusive.

Case and point, here Cam and Neil are with hot-hippie-chicks
   The distance made it hard to figure out how I really felt because I wasn't with him. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, was that happening to me? Maybe all his flirty texts were something for him to do to pass the time.  Maybe he was making-out with a bunch of hot-hippie-chicks and I'd have no idea.  But then I would get a text from him that was either flirty or funny and my worries would disappear (for a minute... I'm a first class worrier - this I get from my grandma Elle). 

One day Cam sent me this picture and asked "what's missing..." I text back "ME!" pretty much the sweetest picture text ever!

       One day Cam text me and asked if I could do him a favor.  He told me that he had ordered something online and it was suppose to be coming that day.  He said his roommates were going to be gone all day and  didn't want the package to just be sitting on the porch so he asked if I could run by his place after work and see if the package was there.  He said for me to just call him when I got to his place and then he could give me the code to the house so I could place the package inside. 
       I remember thinking it was weird that he was asking me to do this for him. "Why not ask one of his buddies?" I thought. I told him I would do it and asked him if he wanted to just give me the code to his house right then to make it easier.  He told me no, that it would be better if  I were to just call him when I got to his place and then he would give it to me.  I was totally bugged that he wouldn't just give me the code to his place, it felt like he didn't trust me and he thought I was going to use the code to his place to break in or something.  I got a little stubborn and told him that it would just be easier to text me the code in case I couldn't get a hold of him.  I explained that I would not use to the code any other time and that I would delete it from my phone right after I put the package in the house.  He finally caved and gave me the code but insisted that I still call him anyway because he wanted to know if the package had come or not.
      I hadn't told Cam this but I had a date planned that night with a guy I went to High School with. I was suppose to go on the date shortly after I got off work and I worried that I would be cutting my timing awfully close if I checked his place after work.  So with out telling Cam I had a date ( I hate to feel jealous and so I don't like to make other people feel that way either hence part of my reason for not telling him about the date) (...right) I told him I was going to check his porch on my lunch break and that I would check it again later if it still wasn't there.
Cam and Juan hiking in to Havisupi, AZ
     He said that was okay and to just be sure to call him when I got to his place again, he explained that he just wanted to know if the package was or was not there and wanted me to call him either way.  I thought the whole thing was a bit strange and thought he was awfully concerned about his stupid package.
    When I went on my lunch break I headed straight to Cam's. I pulled in his drive way and got out. On my way to the porch I could see nothing was sitting next to the door, but thought maybe the mail-man placed it off to the side of the door so I couldn't see it.  I got to the porch checked the whole thing and saw no package.  I headed back to my car to text Cam that his package wasn't there, I know he told me to call but it wasn't there so I figured a text would be no big deal.  As I started down the steps I heard the door open behind me when I turned around Cam was standing there.
Cam a hippie, manly man... he had this long of hair and beard when he surprised me! Love my outdoors-man!
     Cam and Neil had come back from their trip early and he wanted to surprise me.  There was no package- he just wanted to get me to his house.  The reason he wanted me to call him was to make sure that he would really be home and so he wouldn't miss me.  I had kind of wondered if he was going to surprise me but I didn't want to get my hopes up, plus I had a date that night and thought there was no way that he would come home on the same day I had a date. Yet he had and he wanted to hang out that night. (if you had wondered, why were you making it so difficult to let me surprise you?)
    I knew he could tell I was being a little weird. When he asked me if I could hang out that night after work I told him that I couldn't because I had plans.  I felt awful! Here he had surprised me, came back early and I couldn't hang out because I had a date with someone else.  He gave me a weird look and said okay, that he would just see me later then.  I asked him if he was okay and he said he was, he just explained that he wanted to hang out with when I got off but that if I didn't want to I could just tell him.  I realized right then that he thought I was just blowing him off.  I immediately explained, "Cam, I do want to hang out with you! I am so glad you are back, I just have other plans tonight and I can't just blow them off."  He then asked me what my plans were. ( I was rather upset)
      I was so frustrated that he was asking me that, I didn't want to tell him.  I didn't want him to think that I didn't like him just because I had a date with someone else. I was just doing what I was supposed to - Cam and I were not exclusive and he had made that perfectly clear. So seeing no way around his question, other than to tell him the truth, I told him I had a date.
      I asked him if I could see him the next day and I asked him if he would please go with me on my lunch break. I had to beg him to go on my lunch break with me and when I dropped him off I told him I would see him the next day and I was glad he was back.(I thought you just wanted an escape so you could get to the important date, you seemed rushed)
       I went on the date that night and had a lot of fun, but Cam was always in the back of my thoughts.  The next day Cam and I went out.  I had decided that I was not going to kiss/make-out with Cam anymore since we were not exclusive and he didn't want to be. So later on our date when we were back at his house, I explained that to him.  He was totally frustrated and annoyed I could tell.  I think I gave him the whole "no one buys the cow when they get the milk for free" explanation.   The second I said  it he actually cringed.  He said that Linda had always told him that. Which kind of made me cringe, I didn't want to remind him of Linda and I certainly didn't want to end up like Linda had. I didn't really know what to do so I suggested we just pick out the movie as was previously planned. 
         Cam got up and went under the stairs to the movie collection and I followed. We looked at the movie selection for a few minutes and then I thought to myself, oh screw it! I like him and I want to kiss him, so I cornered Cam and laid one on him.  So my no kissing lasted a grand total of 15 minutes... if that! (Ha what can I say I'm irresistible, that being said I had been waiting all summer for that kiss)

6.   Cam and I had an open relationship for the next couple of months.  It was never easy for me.  I felt like something was wrong with me because almost every guy I had dated had some kind of commitment issue (or maybe it was with the commitment issue considering I kept finding the guys that seemed to have one, perhaps I wasn't ready for a real relationship to go somewhere... nah! It was them not me).  I knew I really liked Cam and decided that I would see where things would go - if anywhere.
      Any time we talked about dating -whether it was each other or other people it would cause a rift in our open relationship. I felt like Cam was constantly reminding me that we were NOT exclusive which bothered me - I knew we weren't and it drove me nuts that he had to remind me.  Sometimes it felt like a slap in the face, like "oh hey, I know you want this to go somewhere but just remember its not."  His actions were often times hypocritical of his words- or that's how I felt at least. We spent the majority of our free time together, we would text daily, and we often acted like a couple - cuddling and kissing.
     One day when I was on my lunch break with Cam, he reminded me again that we dating other people by mentioning he had been going out on dates.  Three dates to be exact - one with one girl and two with a different girl.  Needless to say, I was pretty annoyed with him when I left and headed back to work. I didn't give him a kiss or anything before I left.  Later text me and complained about me not giving him a kiss before I left.

     I was suppose to go over to his place after work that same day, so I could help him with an assignment he had for a class.   Oddly enough I didn't feel like going over anymore.  I felt like I was an idiot! Here I was spending so much time, energy and my heart on a guy that seemed to only want to date me if it was convenient for him.  He obviously liked one of the girls enough to take her out twice so was it only a matter of time before he would decide that she was "better" than me?  Was I just there to date and kiss until someone "better" came along?
     When dating, it seems everyone else is able to see everything so crystal clear.  Ever thing is black and white, there is no gray and certainly no emotions to be considered because they aren't in the ones truly involved.  I often would listen to my friends, co-workers or family give me different advice.  Often times I welcomed it and tried to listen to what they said.  One of them had recommended that I pull away from Cam, make him come to me. (who was this person? I've got some words for them)
      I figured I would give it a shot, I knew it wasn't going to be easy because I really liked spending time with Cam and talking to him.  I decided I would start that night  So I told Cam that I wasn't sure if I was going to over after work.  I told him that Jane was going long boarding with some friends and had invited me.  I told him I'd text him when I was done.  Usually I would have just invited him to come along - but not this time. (oooh tough girl)
     After long boarding, my friends and I were hungry so we decided we would go grab some food at a Chinese place. I texted Cam and told him that I wasn't going to come over, that I was with my friends and was just going to stay and hang out with them.  He did NOT like that.  He was upset so when we got to the restaurant my friends went inside and I called him to make sure he wasn't too mad.

     I hardly talked to him the rest of the week and over the weekend we text a little bit but I didn't see him.  The following Monday I had made plans to go to Salt Lake with Jane and my friend Christy to visit my friend Miller and his roommates.  Before I left, Cam text me and told me I should come over.  I can't remember how he invited me over but I know it made me mad, plus I had plans already so I just told him  "That's okay, I'm good."  He got frustrated with me so I called him on my way to pick up Jane and Christy and I just explained I had other plans. I think he thought I was blowing him off because he asked what my plans were so I just told him that Christy, Jane and I were going to see my friend Miller in Salt Lake.  He didn't really like that, I told him to just not worry about it and that I would talk to him tomorrow.  We got off the phone and I thought everything was just fine.  Christy, Jane and I had fun with Miller and his roommates and the next day I text Cam.
       I had decided that Cam and I had just kind of had a lot of drama with our "open relationship" and I was tired of it.  I didn't want to have to pull away from Cam and I didn't like all the drama and the rifts that kept happening.  I decided that I was just going to text Cam and ask him if we could stop with all the drama that we had been having lately and told him I just wanted to have fun again like we had before but weren't having as much of anymore.  He responded and seemed excited to not have any drama anymore and couldn't wait to just have fun again.  We decided that I would come over for a little bit after work before I went home to  a Photoshop class that I was taking.
     When I got to Cam's we just cuddled on the couch and talked for a little bit.  Things were going great and then his roommate came home.  I can't  even remember this roommate's name but as he walked in he turned to Cam and said, "Hey man, I'm real sorry about walking in on you guys last night.  I didn't know anyone was here." Cam's body got all tense and then he said "you didn't walk in on me last night."  His roommate looked at Cam weird and said, "Oh really? huh. I thought it was you.  Well I don't know who it was then, but I got home and walked in on someone cuddling with a girl on the couch."  Cam still tense, looked at him and said, "huh, ya it wasn't me."(I hated that kid, he was socially inept)
     Cam's roommate then excused himself and headed to his bedroom to study.  With the exit of his roommate, Cam's body relaxed again.  I thought the whole thing was really weird, especially how Cam's entire body got tense.  My stomach got a little sick, I pulled away from Cam a bit and while looking him straight in the eyes I asked, "Were you cuddling with some girl last night? Was it you?"
    That is when everything began to unravel.  Cam explained that he didn't know what was going on with him and I.  He said he had thought that we were over between us and he was confused.  So since I was going to hang out with some guys (which I was totally okay to do considering we were NOT exclusive) he had a girl come over.  He said they watched a movie and cuddled.  I was incredible hurt and frustrated in that moment.  To me, you don't just get cozy with someone that you don't like and I did not understand why on earth he thought things were over between us- I had even said on the phone last night that I would talk to him the next day! ( I hadn't seen you for over a week and the last 3 times I tried you made excuses not to see me, read the blog it's all in there)

      We talked about it for a little while, turns out he was also locking lips with her as well. Not only that but Cam kept asking me if I was going to go to my class and I said, "I don't know I would like to resolve this first."  He then encouraged me to go to my class and I was frustrated - was this not important to him? Was I not important to him?  Turns out he was trying to get me to leave because a girl had asked him out and he was suppose to go get ice-cream with her.  Oddly enough I was not in the best mood.  As I was leaving, Cam asked what he wanted me to have him do, I remember looking at him and saying "fix it." He text me and told me he wanted to talk some more and asked if we could talk later.
      I went home crying, I told my mom and Jane what had happened.  Jane naturally thought I should just be done with him. (that Jane, she could have ruined everything, between her and Neil I don't know how we got together, must have meant to be) I know that if it had happened to anyone other than me, I would tell them the same thing.  Get out, get out now.  However, my heart was involved and matters of the heart cause the black and white matters of the mind to turn a million different shades of gray (ha ha no dirty pun intended ha ha). (huh?)
     Cam and I met up later and had the LONGEST talk about things.  By the end of it I still wasn't sure what I wanted.  I told him I needed a little bit of time to think.
      The next morning I realized that I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about ending things with him.  I called my mom at work and asked for her advice.  I remember asking her if she thought I would completely stupid to give him another shot? I told her that I wished more than anything that we could just start over, that I still liked him.  My mom is amazing, and told me she didn't think I would be stupid.  I told her what my plan was going to be and she was in full support. I needed to give him another chance because if I didn't, I knew that I would regret it. (Yeah, note the difference when you talk to you mom, then when you talk to you friends, one is definitely smarter than the other)
     I text Cam that morning,  I told him that I wanted to give things a shot again.  I told him that I couldn't go back to how things were and that I wanted to start over.  I  told him I didn't care if we had to go back to Cafe' Rio and meet all over again... but I couldn't just pick up where things left off.  I didn't want to kiss or anything... we would have to have our firsts all over again.
     Cam expressed that he was completely willing to do that.  At first, he really did not know how to act around me.  He made sure to keep his distance, he wouldn't cuddle with me unless I told him it was okay.
     Starting over really seemed to work for Cam and I. While we still were in an open relationship there wasn't the complications of the drama and games anymore.  I held out for a few weeks before I finally caved and kissed Cam.  We were on a double date with Creed and his girlfriend Shelly.  We had gone to a corn-maze. Cam and I fell behind a little bit and I just grabbed him and kissed him. (again irresistible) We then caught up with his friends and that was that.  I think he knew that if he locked lips with any other girl after all of that then he would lose me completely.

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